sporadic posts

Well, here I am again, haven't wrote in a while. I think i'm just going to not blog when I feel like writing and actually write in a journal or something. It's easier that way, and people can't see what I'm feeling, not that many people know about my blog, but whatever. If people actually cared to read what I wrote, or to listen to how I feel at a particular moment in my life then maybe I would blog more. But its quite obvious that no one cares.. just kidding, to be honest I think a lot of people care, I think all my friends care, and everyone who loves me. Actually wait, I take that back, I know people care.

I could sit here and talk about how happy I am, and how in love I am at the moment, but I'm not going to. I'll refrain myself from that, because really, only she needs to know how much I love her, and I also have tumblr to post cute things for her to see and put a smile on her face when she is feeling down. Which has been a lot lately. No one knows, no one understands whats going on right now, and I plan on keeping it that way. I plan on keeping my promise, over and over again. I will never break it. This past month has been super hard, but its brought us together, we are so much more close now. I could never imagine my life without you in it.

I feel like I failed you. I feel like I should have followed my gut instincts and done what I wanted to do at the time. I feel somewhat responsible for this, but I know I shouldn't. All I can do is be there for you now, and I plan on doing that for the longest time possible. None of this was your fault, and you need to understand that. I hate knowing that you think its your fault, and what happened is normal, because it is the farthest thing from normal. Okay maybe normal is not the right word, but alright may be a better word choice. It makes me sad. I think about it more than you probably think I do. Thats exactly how I want it to be though, I want to be there for you, you don't need to comfort me, maybe in the future when things start to settle down a little, but not right now. When I'm with you I don't necessarily think about what happened so much, its more when I'm away from you, or when you have your moments when you act differently and you won't tell me what's wrong.

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is feeling as though I am being judged by people, my friends, people who's opinion I value so much. I feel like nothing I do is good enough, or will be good enough because like someone once said to me, most people don't expect me to be very academic. It's okay though, I do what I enjoy, and just because I went through college not writing many papers, I feel as though I am still much more intelligent than half of the girls who attend my school. I can form a sentence that makes sense at least, and I can spell simple, or even complex words right off the top of my head without having to write down ten different ways that I think the word is spelt. My grammar isn't great I guess, but hey, what do I know about writing papers and sounding intelligent? Not much I guess.

I love what I do. I love being able to draw a straight line or a circle without any effort. Being able to cut a straight line without a ruler, or being able to use my eyes to measure things so they look even and in order. My tutorial was the most I had written since high school I think. My written portion was not the most important part, yet my friends still judged me for not getting it done, and then when I did get it done and they wanted to know what I got on it and I didn't tell them, they just assumed I failed it. It's okay, I have a piece of paper that clearly states "ECAC This is to certify that Breanne Mercanti Chatham University has been selected to the ECAC Women's West Ice Hockey League 2011-2012 All-Academic Team". I've accomplished this three of the possible three years that i've attended college, and my parents are proud of me, and so is my girlfriend. It's funny, because the countless hours that my team mates and friends spend on writing papers, analyzing text or studying for final exams, I spend just as much time, if not more on my art projects. Precisely making sure that everything in my project is perfect, and nothing is wrong, and if it is, I start all over again. This has been something that people have been bothering me about since the moment I stepped out of high school. But guess what, I'm graduating, I have never failed a class in University ever, nor have I gotten a final grade lower than a C in any of my classes. I think that's something to be proud of. Continue to tell me i'm not intelligent or my major isn't real because its art, the only thing it is going to do is push me to prove each and every individual who has ever made a negative remark about my education, that I will be very successful and LOVE the job I hold in the future.

I hate these days, the days where we can't talk, we are forced away from one another. It's not my choice what-so-ever. If I could run away with you forever, change our names, and live our dream life, I would. I would drop everything in a heart beat. I am so proud of you, for everything you have done, but I guess I will just have to wait until this weekend is over to show you exactly how proud I am of you. Don't worry, I have something figured out. And i'm sure you will love it and appreciate it, just like every other little thing that you appreciate. It's nice to know I have someone in my life who appreciates the little things rather than the big things. I'm learning, slowly, but it's coming. I've gotten better haven't I? I still haven't even shared my blog with you. You have no idea it even exists. Maybe one day when I'm ready I will share it with you. After all, I do love you.

Ps. Your words no longer mean anything to me. I guess it's time I get over everything too.

one day I will define the word hate in my own words...

I'm stressed. I hate the feeling of being stressed, especially when it is caused by numerous, unrelated reasons. I should have twenty five pages done for my tutorial, and I have zip. This stresses me out, but I feel like my other stresses consume my life more, which technically they shouldn't, but they do. I haven't sat down and done my homework once this semester, I'm falling behind, this is not me, at all. I don't know how I feel, which makes me very confused. I also hate being confused. It takes over all of my free and alone time. Thoughts run through my head when I wish that I could just sit there and do absolutely nothing with my headphones in.

It works like this... I get through the day, trying to accomplish things that are required of me, that I need to do. I start my day off with hockey practice in the morning. Normally I'm in a good mood, joke around and work hard, but sometimes I'm not, I use so much energy worrying about the things that are bothering me that it affects my practice. I get mad and annoyed at people easily, and my team mates normally know when to bother me and when not to, I like that about them. I spend time with my friends, people who I care about. I talk to my mom on the phone at least once a day, she usually makes me less stressed, but often times reminds me of all of the things I need to get done. I make a To Do list hoping to organize all of my stresses and normally this helps me. Lately, it hasn't at all. I have no motivation to do anything. It really sucks. Right now I'm sitting in the library with hopes of getting my work done, but I can't even begin to do anything. I do most of my thinking when I'm laying in bed at night, I come up with my art projects visually in my head, run through them and thankfully remember them the next day when I can actually write or draw them down in my sketchbook. I think about the people in my life and how I am affecting them. Sometimes it makes me happy, others, sad or upset. I like this routine of thinking, I'm used to it. I've had way too much alone time lately. I don't deal well with alone time, I have to be with someone constantly. I have this fear of allowing myself to think too much, it usually never turns out to be good. I think this is what has been getting at me lately. Too much alone time. It needs to stop.

I can't stop thinking. Wondering. Hoping I'm not making the wrong decision. I usually don't let people consume my life this much, but I don't know what it is. I know I deserve better, and everyone has been telling me that lately. My heart is most certainly outweighing my little brain thats struggling to do anything right now. I'm almost positive I have a concussion, but then again, when all I'm doing is thinking about things, I seem to be quite out of it.

I have been playing your mixed tape over and over again. I enjoy it, a lot. I'm sorry I've been such a shitty person lately. Or always. You deserve only the best, and right now I obviously can't give you that. I'm stuck, stopped in my own path. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to take the wrong turn and end up somewhere that can hurt both of us, more importantly, you. You mean too much to me, and I want you to know that. I know I probably don't make sense, but I promise I will try and explain myself better when not so many things are on my mind.

Give me another week, and if I can't get my shit together then I really need to rethink my current life choices. I need to pick and choose the battles I want to fight, and the things that I am convinced are making me happy. I know I could be happy without you, with someone else who is standing right in front of me, but I'm not ready to give up just yet. I need to see you, and talk to you in person. You hurt me. Surprisingly not in the way that I thought you would, but it still hurt...

I can't sleep sooo...

I haven't blogged in forever. I think i'm going to start up again, just a warning, i'm too tired to write a legit entry right now, but one will be coming very soon!

the ones we trusted the most, pushed us far away

Sometimes I wish there were more understanding people in the world. More people who cared about others feelings and emotions than their own. Less selfish people.

I told my brother this weekend about something I had been wanting to tell him for a while. His response was unexpected, but expected at the same time. He told me he had kind of assumed for a while, and that he was waiting for me to tell him so we could talk about it. I say that it was expected yet unexpected at the same time because I am uncertain of what I thought his response would be. I was ready for either one. We went out and had a good time the entire weekend, it was awesome to have him in Pittsburgh visiting me. When he got home he moved out of his house that he was living in with a friend of his. He moved back into our family home, and I had no idea until I called to talk to my mom and he picked up the phone. She wasn't home. He started to tell me the reason why he moved home and it made sense, but then he started to bring up a whole bunch of things from the past and I didn't know what to say. I could tell he was getting all worked up about a bunch of things, and I never know what to do in that situation because I'm not even close to home and I can't fix anything while I'm here. He ended up getting mad at me for what I told him this weekend, and he hung up the phone on me because I told him to stop yelling at me. I hate it when people yell at me. I called him back because I didn't want him to say anything to my parents and I know the way he is when he gets all worked up, he goes on huge rants and has no filters. He ended up telling me a whole bunch of mean things, and thought that he was completely right, and took back everything he said about understanding. He doesn't understand and he never will. He won't until he stops putting himself first. He isn't in my situation and thats the bottom line. He needs to learn how to accept the way that other people feel, and not everyone is perfect. He needs to stop comparing my life to his and "wishing that he was in my shoes because he would not take advantage of the fact that I'm living the "dream"... the dream he's always wanted to live".

I'm sorry I'm at school in the states playing hockey, and you're sitting at home going to school, still living at home. That's a life choice I made and I'm completely satisfied with it. Don't sit there and tell me how to live my life though. Don't tell me what I am and what I'm not. I don't need to hear it from someone who basically fell off the face of the earth for 2 years when I needed you the most. We were best friends and I could tell you anything in the world. I don't know what else to say until you begin to understand and put my feelings before yours.

kate hudson

I would marry this woman, total babe!

losing trust

Have you ever tried so hard to not judge future situations on your past? Once you finally talk yourself into being able to let go of the past and move forward, realizing that not every situation is going to have the same outcome, a weight is lifted off your shoulders. Yeah that happened to me. I let go of my past insecurities and doubts, and moved on. One person let this motion of moving on from these feelings happen so fast. And then that feeling of relief was taken right away from me just as fast, and the weight was placed right back on my shoulders. I didn't even have the chance to let an emotion pass through my body. An emotion that would normally result in tears, came as no feeling at all. I had nothing to say. I told you everything, every single reason why I was insecure about certain things, and why I act a certain way in situations. You took all of that, and threw all of my insecurities right back in my face. After you lied to me about everything, and told me you were changing and you were almost ready. Truth is you won't let yourself be ready. I hate flashbacks of situations that make me feel uneasy. Thanks so much for bringing back all of my trust issues.

My best friends and parents always tell me I'm too nice, and people are going to take advantage of that. I understand that, and it's my personality, there is nothing I can do about it. At least I know I'm an honest person, and can't lie or hide something behind someone's back for the life of me. My personality makes me feel at ease, it makes me know that if I have nothing to hide, then there is no way I am going to hurt anyone. Knowing that I have hurt someone, to me, or what I can imagine is the worst feeling in the world. I say this because, funny thing is, I'm always the one getting hurt. Maybe it's time to change, but most likely not. I like my heart just the way it is, full of love, and always ready to let people in. Once you've lost trust in someone, it's hard, if not impossible, to gain that trust back.

christmas cheer

Just a few photos from Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa Sarrazins!

Colton playing mini sticks 

All of the cousins

 

My dad and brothers

Colton dressed as Santa

The boy cousins minus Colton and Grams

Grandma and Grandpa repin' their Sens jerseys at the Sarrazin annual hockey game

Mom and I 

I hate that I never sit down and write, because I actually enjoy it, even though I suck at writing, I love blogging. As I lay in the basement at my grandma and grandpas house, because I didn't want to go and sleep at my aunts house, the christmas tree just started to play a christmas carol, it scared the crap out of me. I mean its only 12:55, I guess thats when grandma and grandpa wanted to hear a little christmas carol go off. 

So i've been home for about a week now, and so many thing have already happened, if I blogged every day I would be able to keep track of everything, but I'm a slacker with a very forgetful memory, so keeping track of things at this moment is just not an option. I will make a small list of the things I have done so far, just to make my life a little bit easier. 

Things I have done so far this Christmas break.... 

• Snow Tubed down a ski resort hill in London Ontario
• went shopping about a million times in order to buy everyones Christmas gifts 
• cuddled with Starr Starr 
• went bowling with my brothers and a bunch of our friends- totally kicked Garretts butt, since he sucked, but I was still no Amie Matthews. 
• played pond hockey on the rink my dad built in my Nonna and Nonnos backyard 
• went out for dinner with my friends 
•  drove to Ottawa Ontario to visit my moms family 
  
• went to go and see the movie The Fighter with my brother and cousins 
• played our annual Sarrazin family hockey game- dangled the crap out of everyone, except not really because I have no dangles- one can dream though right?
• played mini sticks with my baby cousin Colton, and taught him how to keep two hands on his stick 
• went to mass with the whole family 

Many eventful things have already occurred. I am so thankful for the amazing family that I have, and even though we have our ups and downs on a daily basis, I can truly appreciate the fact that we are together as a family and thats all that really matters. This will probably be the last Christmas that we will get to spend with my Great Grandma, and I know it probably sounds terrible to say, but someone always says it every year, and this year, I think we all came to a realization that she really isn't doing well at all, and we need to cherish every moment we have with her. It makes me so happy to be able to come home from mass and give her a kiss and tell her all about what happened. I lit a candle today and said a prayer for her, I get shivers every time I pray for her because she has impacted my life so much. She is the most kind and full hearted person I have ever met. Not to mention she has the cutest French accent anyone could ask for in a person. She makes each and every one of us appreciate life, and I can really see it when we all get together. Last year she gave me her wedding ring. We were sitting together on the couch watching the Sens play and holding hands. I complimented her ring and told her how pretty it was and she took it off her finger grabbed my hand and said "here, I want you to have it". I looked at her and told her I couldn't take it and she told me she wanted me to have it. I held it in my hand, and when I got up I went to my mom and told her that Grams wanted me to have her wedding ring, but I didn't feel like I was the person that should have it. I am only one of her three great granddaughters and she also has two granddaughters. My mom told me that I should keep it and if she gave it to me then thats what she wants, so I gave it to my mom to hold onto so I wouldn't lose it. It made me so happy and I felt so loved. When I got to Ottawa one of the first things she said to me was do you still have my ring I gave you? Of course Grams, I would never ever get rid of that ring, it means so much to me. Gosh I love that woman, she melts my heart.  

Our visit is almost over now, and I am going to miss everyone so much, I hate only being able to see them a couple of times a year. This summer I am hoping to plan a visit to Mattawa to go and visit Grams with all of the cousins, we will make a road trip out of it, and go down memory lane for a while.

Merry Christmas!!