one day I will define the word hate in my own words...

I'm stressed. I hate the feeling of being stressed, especially when it is caused by numerous, unrelated reasons. I should have twenty five pages done for my tutorial, and I have zip. This stresses me out, but I feel like my other stresses consume my life more, which technically they shouldn't, but they do. I haven't sat down and done my homework once this semester, I'm falling behind, this is not me, at all. I don't know how I feel, which makes me very confused. I also hate being confused. It takes over all of my free and alone time. Thoughts run through my head when I wish that I could just sit there and do absolutely nothing with my headphones in.

It works like this... I get through the day, trying to accomplish things that are required of me, that I need to do. I start my day off with hockey practice in the morning. Normally I'm in a good mood, joke around and work hard, but sometimes I'm not, I use so much energy worrying about the things that are bothering me that it affects my practice. I get mad and annoyed at people easily, and my team mates normally know when to bother me and when not to, I like that about them. I spend time with my friends, people who I care about. I talk to my mom on the phone at least once a day, she usually makes me less stressed, but often times reminds me of all of the things I need to get done. I make a To Do list hoping to organize all of my stresses and normally this helps me. Lately, it hasn't at all. I have no motivation to do anything. It really sucks. Right now I'm sitting in the library with hopes of getting my work done, but I can't even begin to do anything. I do most of my thinking when I'm laying in bed at night, I come up with my art projects visually in my head, run through them and thankfully remember them the next day when I can actually write or draw them down in my sketchbook. I think about the people in my life and how I am affecting them. Sometimes it makes me happy, others, sad or upset. I like this routine of thinking, I'm used to it. I've had way too much alone time lately. I don't deal well with alone time, I have to be with someone constantly. I have this fear of allowing myself to think too much, it usually never turns out to be good. I think this is what has been getting at me lately. Too much alone time. It needs to stop.

I can't stop thinking. Wondering. Hoping I'm not making the wrong decision. I usually don't let people consume my life this much, but I don't know what it is. I know I deserve better, and everyone has been telling me that lately. My heart is most certainly outweighing my little brain thats struggling to do anything right now. I'm almost positive I have a concussion, but then again, when all I'm doing is thinking about things, I seem to be quite out of it.

I have been playing your mixed tape over and over again. I enjoy it, a lot. I'm sorry I've been such a shitty person lately. Or always. You deserve only the best, and right now I obviously can't give you that. I'm stuck, stopped in my own path. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to take the wrong turn and end up somewhere that can hurt both of us, more importantly, you. You mean too much to me, and I want you to know that. I know I probably don't make sense, but I promise I will try and explain myself better when not so many things are on my mind.

Give me another week, and if I can't get my shit together then I really need to rethink my current life choices. I need to pick and choose the battles I want to fight, and the things that I am convinced are making me happy. I know I could be happy without you, with someone else who is standing right in front of me, but I'm not ready to give up just yet. I need to see you, and talk to you in person. You hurt me. Surprisingly not in the way that I thought you would, but it still hurt...